Archive for December, 2005

Safer driving

The National Safety Council Congress considers that the wisest way to meet the growing traffic toll is to tell the tragic story. The majority of the members agree that America’s motorists-not automobiles or highways-are responsible for the alarming annual accident toll of 40,000 lives.

Research and an analysis of driving faults responsible for these fatal statistics reveal that a surprising number of drivers look upon highway regulations with casual disdain, more or less like cautions for the other fellow to follow; not enough people practice safety, and too many of them are so proud of their powerful engines that they develop psychological quirks that prompt them to test and re-test that high-priced horsepower.

Community fund drives

Even during periods of prosperity, the world is a rough place for some people due to deficiencies of mind or body, bad breaks, or trouble brought on by their own cussedness. Taxes paid to the government support a variety of social and welfare relief enterprises-but a multitude of problems can be handled only through private charity. The test of a civilization is the way it cares for its helpless members, and in the States we have adopted the principle that we are our brothers’ keepers, and that from the youngest to the oldest they are the responsibility of all of us. This obligation calls for teamwork in an annual drive for funds instead of carrying on separate and competing campaigns.

Individually we can do little; collectively we can do much. In this way our contributions are protected and passed out with expert care. It is well to remember that “we make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” We might go further and add to that old adage that it is more blessed to give than to receive, by saying that it is more profitable to give than to receive, because it’s deductible.

Buttering up the boss

You may be called upon to pay tribute to the boss. After a resume of his scramble to fame-seasoned with some human interest incidents of common knowledge-you might follow this form if said boss is a diminutive dynamo: The stature of a human dynamo is measured by feats-not feet. He’s a mountain torrent of aggressive acquisition-living proof that it’s not the size of the dog in the fight-but the size of the fight in the dog that counts.

If the boss is a pepper pot with a penchant for dispatch, here’s a softer summary of the merits of his make-up:

Competent executives capable of turning fantasies into facts are in great demand because our rapidly expanding economy has an increasing need for men with management in their makeup.

The keystone of his character is dispatch; he does the worst first.
Qualities of prime importance are these:
Ambition-rooted in reality, as distinguished from just a wishbone itch.
Enthusiasm-that doesn’t drift away.
Daring-that doesn’t hesitate to go out on a limb, if that’s where the fruit is.
Drive-that keeps the fire full of irons.

You are now ready to make more than a brief appearance before a meeting. Not a heavy subject and for certain nothing that’s long or wordy-perhaps just a recount of an interesting article you’ve read or a significant event in your life that brought a moral home to you. Your personal experience is the preferable topic because others in attendance might also have read the article you try to refurbish.

Speeches for Special Occasions

Every speech is divided into three parts: the beginning, the ending, and what goes in between. As a novice you might find it easiest to select a clever opening sentence once you’ve decided on your subject. Memorize this starter. Now figure out how to finish your talk with a punch line. Memorize that conclusion too. Finally, fill in the middle with the things you want to tell about, and build your enthusiasm up until you are “bustin’ out all over” with a desire to speak your piece. One of the first tasks a fledgling performs as a public speaker is plugging for a worthy organization, or playing
up some praiseworthy people. The following may serve as prototypes:

4-H Clubs

No matter how much you admire the prize stock, the prime prizes at County Fairs and Livestock Shows are the 4-H youngsters: the kids who comb the calves, polish horns, manicure hooves, exhibit steers and help with the judging. They are the cream of America’s rural crop. A post World War I song, “How’re You Gonna Keep Them Down on the Farm after They’ve Seen Paree,” initiated the idea behind the 4-H movement. To keep young people from leaving the land, far-sighted farmers promoted the 4-H idea and interested boys and girls in raising livestock and planting crops as well as in designing and sewing clothes. They stimulated interest by means of competition. Prize-winning awards gave young people a sense of recognition and confidence in the worth of their work. The organization now polls a membership of 2 million.

If Farm folks can employ this successful plan, why can’t city people find a way to solve their youth problems? Teen age crime boils down to too much time and too little to do. The 4-H magic lies in work. Young members are interested in something besides themselves; their energies are directed away from their own impulses and frustrations, and kept in proper proportion.

JayCees see action

The Junior Chamber of Commerce movement was born in St. Louis in 1915 and ever since, these “young men in action” are among the city’s finest products. There are occasions when senior citizens show more sound judgment, but when the accent is on action these young leaders respond to responsibility like Engine No. 1 answering a fourth alarm.

JayCees were born at a time when too many Chambers of Commerce resembled the male section of an old ladies’ sewing circle, and too many members were somber luncheon singers. JayCees altered that trend when young boosters began to bolster up those old roosters. The organization keeps itself young and spry as a bull calf in blossom time by weeding out members at the ripe old age of thirty-five. Junior Chamber serves about 3500 communities on six continents. Each Chapter’s activity depends upon the problems, challenges and needs of its particular community. The more common projects include blood bank drives and clean-up campaigns, (not to mention the beards that the members grow for centennial celebrations), organizing Junior baseball leagues, and sponsoring safe driving “road-e-os” to promote sane driving among the hot-rod set.

Look before you leap when you play with proverbs, lest you find yourself landing on the wrong runway; if that happens you might be like the monkey that landed on the porcupine’s back . . . you’ll leave the runway on the run. A great many proverbs have counterparts which could prove you’re wrong instead of right.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder” is a common saying, but it’s denied by “Out of sight, out of mind.” The maxim that “Haste makes waste,” contradicts the assertion that “He who hesitates is lost.”

Proverbs are best left with politicians who have mastered the art of being on both sides of the same street. Proverbs being wisecracks that have become venerable with age (and China being steeped in age), the Orientals readily translated ours this way:

“Big oaks from little acorns grow” becomes “Dust amassed makes the mountain.”
“He who hesitates is lost” turns into “The timid planter winnows no rice.”
But “Penny wise, pound foolish” stumped a scholar momentarily until he came up with what he thought was a parallel: He said, “We in China say, ‘He who retires early to economize on candles, begets twins.’”

Confucius Say

A sage remark now and then adds a touch of spice to a speech and for two thousand years politicians have been pouring out analects of their patron saint, Confucius. His literary passages first came to our shores stuffed inside fortune cookies the chop suey houses served for dessert. Politicians picked up these sage sayings from pagoda land to back up their partisan propositions.

As some people frequently point to the Bible to back one side or another of a problem-so also each side of a confusion cited Confucius. The Mings made the most of him. Sun Yat-sen quoted his wisdom. Now the Reds are running them ragged. Confucius was a soothsayer talented with a gift for saying sensible things in a sensible way. His adages were as acceptable in Ancient Athens as they are in Disneyland.

These current “sayings” still carry a sting!

One person with a belief is equal to the force of ninety-nine who only have an interest.
To reply to a nasty remark with another nasty remark is like trying to remove dirt with mud.
Love is always the same old line but some men can spin it better than others.
No life is so hard that you can’t make it easier by the way you take it.
Women can never be as successful as men; they have no wives to advise them.
A wife with good horse sense never becomes a nag. Many people stick to their oars but they refuse to row. A hobo is a migratory shirker.
When small men cast big shadows, it means that the sun is about to set.
A girl who is expecting a ring is quick to answer the phone.
When a rich man’s hair turns to silver, he becomes a young girl’s golden opportunity.
A good way to avoid trouble is to wrong no man and write no woman.
It is not wise to sleep in the bastille-except in a pinch.

Call these research or whatever you like-but here are some gems, submitted without pride of authorship. (We wouldn’t claim them!)

Girl Gossip:
I never say anything about her unless it’s good- and oh boy-is this good!
Certainly I noticed how her house was shined up for the party; by the way-did you ever stop by in the morning?
It’s a beautiful dress dear; I said so to your daughter too when she wore it last week.
Her figure’s better since she plays golf twice a week; but that hot sun’s sure made her skin look like leather!
Betty’s looking just beautiful these days; what’s the name of her make-up?
She’s descended from the long line her mother listened to.

Girl Gossip:
This is a gift for my husband; his collar’s I6J2, sleeve 33 and charge account 7164.
Her pearls are lovely-she must have played plenty:
You don’t say! Ye Gods-her first one’s only two months old.
Sally: He’s tall, dark and has the sweetest smile. His name’s Harold and whenever he kisses me he says mine are the sweetest lips in the world.
Mary: Oh, THAT Harold!

Hedging:
Husband to wife trying on fur coat: “For Heaven’s sake Ruth-there are cheaper ways to fight a cold!”

Helpers:
Mother of two small boys to handyman raking leaves: “How much extra to let them help?”

Puppy Love:
1st Bobbysoxer: I think he likes me, he wishes I was a boy.
2nd Bobbysoxer: What I like about Billy is that he likes me.
Ours isn’t an engagement yet-it’s still a sort of skirmish.

Prude:
The trouble with his money is that he goes with it.
He thinks he’s a gentleman because he prefers blondes.
Henry has a fine mind but the rest of him spoils things.

Sex:
Sonny, seeing a circus poster:  “Look Ma-no bra!”

Wolf:
Can I give you a lift? I happen to be going wherever it is.

“Quipigrams”

A good speaker equips himself with quips; a profound talker loads up on epigrams (these are the wisecracks that “made the Met”). These “quipigrams” breathe life into abstract facts and make them emote a Phi Beta Kappa columnist calls them “facts clothed with emotional appeal.”

To say that a speaker is “gracious” is to say something trite. This worthy virtue deserves a better build-up, even if it takes more words. By saying, “Our speaker is more than a considerate man,” we add glamor to his graciousness and communicate emotion. After thus breathing life into this flat fact we may move it around by using an illustration such as:

Coming home late from a meeting his wife asked, “Didn’t I hear the clock strike three as you came in?” And he told her, “Yes, dear, it was going to strike eleven but I thought it might disturb you so I stopped the clock!”

The bikini brevity of a speaker who has a talent for using only a few well chosen words, may be dramatized by this South Sea Island incident:

A diplomat addressing a group of natives, had the excellent assistance of an interpreter. At one point this linguist remained silent all through a lengthy anecdote, and not until after the punch line did he utter a few brief words in the native tongue-and the audience broke out into loud guffaws. Later the puzzled speaker asked his helper how he’d condensed the long story so effectively, and was told: “Story too long; I say ‘He tell joke. Please laugh!’”

Just telling jokes doesn’t make a man a wit; more often it makes him a half-wit. Humor means fitting your fun to the matter at hand, and when you personalize it, it sounds yet more realistic. The best humor deals with humans. Mark Twain endeared himself by letting the hot air out of do-gooders, political humbugs, and hokum peddlers. Will Rogers became the czar of sarcasm by criticizing Congress. By digging at its members’ delusions of grandeur, he made them sound more human.

Recently-have you heard any good ones panning Congressional nonsense? We seem to have let television set the pace, a medium in which commercial competition is so keen that everything’s turned sacred. Sass and satire have been censored lest they offend a sponsor or the Federal Communications Commission. Sponsors shy from a dental patient depicted as saying one small “Ouch!”-lest all the D.D.S. within hearing ply the network with complaints that the commercial will create dental chair cavities.

A public speaker is pretty much his own boss free from sponsor responsibilities and never has he had a better opportunity to return us to the lusty ways of self-expression. There are of course taboos that even seasoned satirists respect: Will Rogers abided by these good rules:

It’s a poor story if some woman blushes with embarrassment; some heart carries away an ache; something sacred is made to sound common; a man’s weakness provides the cause for laughter; profanity is required to make it funny; a little child is brought to tears; or everyone can’t join in the laughter.

No speaker ever dished out more palatable sass and sarcasm than Will Rogers. His audiences swallowed every word, knowing he only intended to be humorous and that the wounds he inflicted would be salved with soft soap later. Speaking before the International Bankers’ Association in 1922, this prince of satire told them:

“Loan Sharks and Interest Hounds, I have addressed every form of organized Graft in the U.S. excepting Congress. So it’s naturally a pleasure for me to appear before the biggest.
“You are without a doubt the most disgustingly rich audience I ever talked to, with the possible exception of the Bootleggers Union Local No. 1, combined with the enforcement officers.
“Now I understand you hold this Convention every year to announce what the annual Jip will be.
“I have often wondered where the Depositors hold their Convention.
“I had an account in a Bank once and the banker asked me to withdraw, that they used up more red ink on my account than it was worth.
“I see your wives come with you. You notice I say ‘Come’ not ‘Were brought’.
“I see where your Convention was opened by a prayer, and you had to send outside your ranks to get somebody that could pray.
“You should have had one Creditor there, he would have shown you how to pray.
“I noticed that in the prayer the Clergyman announced to the Almighty that the bankers were here. Well, it wasn’t exactly an announcement. It was more in the nature of a warning.
“He didn’t tell the Devil, he figured he knew where you all were all the time.
“I see by your speeches that you are very optimistic of the business conditions of the coming year. I don’t blame you, if I had your dough I would be optimistic too.
“Will you please tell me what you do with all the Vice Presidents a bank has? I guess that’s to get you more discouraged before you can see the President.
“Why, the United States is the biggest business institution in the world and they only have one Vice President and nobody has ever found anything for him to do.
“I have met most of you as I came out of the stage door at the Follies every night. I want to tell you that any of you that are capitalized under a million dollars needn’t hang around there. Our girls may not know their Latin and Greek but they certainly know their Dun and Bradstreet. “You have a wonderful organization, I understand you have 10 thousand here, and with what you have in the various Federal Prisons brings your Membership up to around 30 thousand. . . .”

They loved it! And Rogers didn’t even need the soothing syrup in his concluding tribute to the remarkable services bankers render their community.

Be sure that the story you tell fits the subject of your speech. Don’t drag out your story, reduce your words to bare essentials. Don’t tell about a “standing” joke; the poor thing’s probably tired from all that standing and should take a rest. Try to serve strictly fresh laid jokes. Don’t say that you’re going to spring a joke and that the audience “will die laughing” at this one. That’s a challenge and some of them would rather choke than give in!

Humor may assume many forms but the essentials are a sense of the ridiculous and a man’s ability to poke fun at himself. The best story-starters implant anticipation, participation, curiosity, or an “I’ll let you in on the dirt” feeling. These openers have proven ear appeal:

“No one will talk about it for publication, but . . .”
“When I was a boy and the West was still rough and
tough . . .”
“There’s no official record of this event, yet. . .”
“If your memory is good you’ll recall . . .”
“Once upon a by-gone time . . .”
“Remember when . . .”
“There once was a gal who, due to mortal shortcomings,
fell for . . .”
“Not once in the years  I’ve travelled the  LaSalle  St.
Canyon do I recall . . .”

Don’t try to milk a good joke for more than one laugh, or be the man who remembers every minute detail until the punch line when he has to ask, “Now . . . how did that go?” And don’t be the guy who uses one dialect for every nationality, nor the chap who laughs so hard at the end of his yarn that nobody hears the point.
And again, keep your humor close to the subject.

People who have just bolted a meal are mellow and in no mood to strain their brains. That’s why after-dinner speeches should be light and spiced with condiments.

Mid-Victorian audiences looked upon a humorous speaker as someone irresponsible as a court jester. Most 19th century orators avoided humor lest they be considered lacking in dignity. Later we learned from men like Lincoln, Mark Twain, Will Rogers (and more recently from Adlai Stevenson), that levity lets in a lot of light. Today a speech without a laugh line is as boring as a lecture on anatomy.

People savor the meat in a talk served with a dash of spice, but this doesn’t mean they want a poorly informed speaker reciting irrelevant jokes picked out of a magazine or even those gleaned from this book. If a story fits, tell it; if it doesn’t, forget it.

A humorous speaker gains quick control of his audience, but there are things to remember about humor.

First, an interesting and informative speech may be highly entertaining without being humorous. Most speakers are invited because they are well informed on a specific subject and when it is of interest to the listeners, they do not expect entertainment as such. For entertainment they can call on an entertainer.

Amateurs should plan how to spice their speeches. Radio and television performers with a few exceptions follow their scripts so closely they seldom so much as ad lib a sneeze. Sound tracks left hot ad libs back with the flicker film.

5. The good old days? Ha!

That sad refrain that times aren’t what they used to be, has been sung through so many centuries that one begins to wonder whether they really were the “Good Old Days.” Some people tout the time when a Gibson girl played croquet in a trailing skirt and leg-o-mutton sleeves and her beau in a stiff-brimmed straw sauntered down the wooden walk looking for lookers.

A generation later revolves around the twirling twenties with the Charleston, jazz and bathtub gin .. . when women wore waistlines below their hiplines, and hemlines above their knees . . . and when the sirens among them sighed for chances for advances from a sheik in a coonskin coat.

Another age group glorifies the dirty thirties with their dust bowls and depression . . . when times were so dull nobody but the scissor-grinder made any money. The going was so grim that people were poor as poets but proud of their patches. A dollar bought more than it does today- but who had a dollar?

Those were the times of happy picnics, gramophone music by moonlight-days and nights of simple living. It was also the era when children died of tuberculosis because they worked all day and part of the night; when they lived in steaming, stinking tenements, and an unpaved path led to the outhouses and dirty alleys led to the company store.

The “work week” was six days long, and the “day” went from mornings at six until nights at ten. Those also were the halcyon days when a fourteen-year-old lad replaced a man who lost his hand to an unguarded high-speed saw and was fired because he couldn’t do his job. But could he collect workmen’s compensation? Or be transferred to a job he could do with one hand? Such things were unheard of!

Those were the Good Old Days when his little family could stay in the same cramped quarters only until he came home from the hospital; then they were evicted in favor of a family that could afford six dollars a week. There were plenty of those bewildered immigrants who poured in daily, wearing tags that told where they should be put off the train. They were the workers with whom men competed for a living wage on the labor market. It might have been good to live in those Good Old Days -if you could head your own banking business or be mistress of an elaborate household where underpaid servants fetched and carried. But there were not many banking houses then, and for the few women who had a retinue of servants there were thousands who dwelt in drudgery.

In an even sorrier state was the multitude that owed their souls to the company store-or who coughed their consumptive days away over their sweat-shop sewing. So, what was so good about those good old days? A few things perhaps, brightened by the rainbow of passing years . - . good for some but hell for most. Those preceding sketches are mere “bit” pieces to start you thinking about the task of preparing that principal speech that you will be asked to make one day-soon.