Archive for April, 2006

11. Shapely
Everybody has a shape-it just looks better on girls. The gal with a good foundation will never want for a roof over her head, but she’d better hold that shape, or neither will anyone else! There are four shapes for women . . . thin, medium, plump, and our guest-WOW-look at her!

An English teacher tried to encourage her son to date a nice young girl because she had everything that a young lady should have. But the boy didn’t see her the same way so he told his Mother, “I know, Mom, but she’s like the sentences you criticize in class; everything’s there but the construction’s bad.”
His gal had a waist like a wasp and a seat like a sofa. When asked the first thing he noticed about her, he said that depended on which way she was going.

12. Thick and thinning
Some women in slacks have an end that doesn’t justify the jeans. Maybe they had hour glass figures-but oh, those shifting sands! They should remember that she who indulges-bulges, and cheese cake turns to pound cake! This is the spot where fatties should pay the penalty for exceeding the feed limit-and start dieting-that triumph of mind over platter designed to take the starch out of you.

Here in the States we have more food than any other country, and more diets to keep us from eating it. With thirty million people counting calories, we’re rendering a lot of lard. Quite a few of our G.I.s who married good cooks overseas have gone to pot. Now they’re dieting to become masters of their weight and captains of their rolls. Andy Devine won an outstanding victory over victuals: now he can cross his legs with just one hand.

A women diets when she becomes thick and tired of it all; when she has a long long weigh to go she envies her friends who eat like sparrows and then chirp about it. We know a gal who dunks her biscuits in gravy, drowns her potatoes in butter, and has pie a la mode for dessert. Then she takes one tiny pill to sweeten her tea! A skinny panhandler asked her for a handout because he hadn’t eaten for four days and she said, “Goodness, I wish I had your will power.”
Kids have their weight control licked; they follow a balanced diet with a candy bar in each pocket.

7. Smiles
A smile is of great face value: it may be but a small shy twitch that leaves just a trace on the face, or a TV grimace resembling nothing so much as a mule munching cactus.
A few smiles, so easy on the draw, we long remember. Eisenhower’s spontaneous expression, for instance! In sharp contrast are the mouth-curving quirks practiced by public prosecutors and elderly barristers. They’re the smiles that have nothing behind them but teeth . . . not too merry, not too dour . .. like that strained look on age-conscious women who’ve been warned that a smile could drop that last facelift.

8. Age
In a prior paragraph we said that dates and figures (statistical-not physical), are a bore. A person’s birth date doesn’t bring out the aura of age; the significance of his longevity is better brought out by reference to some significant event near the time when he first put in his appearance. If it happened to be in 1871-the year of the Chicago Fire -a period when many people dined on buffalo. Suppose your speaker is building a highway; perhaps he was born back when the biggest earth moving tasks were cuts and fills for railroad tracks, and the acme of the trade’s automation was a slip scoop and a one man mule. An individual gathers importance too, through distinction at an early age in his chosen field. For instance: At 33 (when most junior journalists are struggling with the practicalities of reporting that aren’t taught in textbooks) our speaker became managing editor of an important metropolitan paper.

9. Figure
Our guest cuts quite a figure: he was built when meat was cheap and his food all went to waist. Much of his figure precedes him, more of it follows. The other day he put a penny in a public scale and the card popped out and said: “You must be nine feet tall!” Our friend stopped trying to reduce after the President of the Fat-at-40 Club dropped dead with his skates on.

10. Feminine forms
It’s a pleasant assignment to turn attention to feminine features, but the ladies (bless them) are infrequent AFTER-dinner speakers; they never can wait that long! The number of women in the business world, in professional circles, and political fields, is on the increase and may affect the shape of things to come but, presently, comment concerning the feminine guest’s figure would reflect bad manners unless she is an actress or performer and her stack is her stock. Men deal differently with women than with other men and this difference appears as well when they introduce a lady to an audience. Ever since Eve got Adam involved in that apple eating act and they were put out of Eden, women have cast some sort of spell over men. Chivalry protects the female of the species with many taboos. You may refer freely to her accomplishments, but don’t get personal; she may be called beautiful or attractive, but don’t go into details unless she’s a stage or screen personality.

The shapeliness of an actress who helped Bob Hope give our boys in Greenland a treat, was described this way:
“The boys kept concentrating on Miss Shapely although she was wearing three sweaters and two pairs of pants.
“You see, she doesn’t believe in frozen assets and on her the end justified the jeans.”
When on another day Miss Shapely went fishing, she hooked one but he finally broke loose and swam away like crazy to join his fellow fish. “Wow,” he gasped, “you should have seen the one I got away from!”

3. Bearded
Our speaker’s beard doesn’t imply that he’s a beatnik or a disciple from the House of David; neither does it mean he’s advertising a centennial celebration. It’s just an indication that he’s all he-man. History’s heavy-haired heroes started with Samson, and through the ages the beard has been looked upon as evidence of a man’s virility. Bearded bards as kind as Kipling have appeared-and as tender as Tennyson, witty as Mark Twain, and lovable as Lowell, Longfellow, or Lincoln. Our speaker respects that kind of company.

4. The eyes have it
There are eyes that speak a languid language and others that reflect horror. A speaker’s orbs may be big as saucers; baseball eyes-real two baggers. They can be like the stars, always blinking; or nearsighted as the rattler that fell in love with a rope. Some eyes have that far-seeing look common to sea captains and women heading for a bargain sale.

5. Mouth
It’s been noised around that a speaker’s mouth is his give-away. Broad mouth broad talk. Look at William Jennings Bryan: he ate bananas sideways. Much mouth-much talk . . . we’re in for big talk then because if he was left in the woods our speaker could trap himself a bear!

6. Nose
In his old home town, it was said that, with a nose like his, our speaker was bound to get into the newspaper business. Our Maker blessed him as He did Bob Hope-picking the first thing that turned up.

A lackadaisical speaker with plenty of personality might get by (but only once) with this introduction: I could tell you that our speaker is big enough to admit his shortcomings; brilliant enough to accept flattery without becoming arrogant; tall enough to tower above deceit; strong enough to treasure love; brave enough to welcome criticism; compassionate enough to understand human frailties; wise enough to recognize his mistakes; humble enough to appreciate greatness; staunch enough to stand by his friends; human enough to be thoughtful of his neighbor; and righteous enough to be devoted to the love of God-but I’d be one of the biggest liars in the land.

Instead-our speaker is just an ordinary guy, one I know you’ll like:
Your listening public will want you to prove that they’re going to like the guy, so you want to point up any phase of his personality that’s known-or known about.

The following paragraphs are devoted to appearances and telltale characteristics designed to popularize a speaker. They are not suggested as overall “stock” material, but are intended only to ignite the flame that will start cooking up your own comments. When you add hot water to a beef cube you have a tasty broth; take tea-and see that same result; similarly flavor buds become instant coffee. In like fashion, the thoughts set out here, blended with your words, can bring out the flavor in a speaker’s peculiarities and make him appetizing to the audience.

His Physical Features

Human peculiarities are portrayed patently by physical appearance, and latently through idiosyncrasies. Physical features, expressions and characteristics disclosed by habit, are obvious; the latent ones we learn by reputation. These following samples play up traits and are set out only to help embryo orators to get going.

1. Bald pate

A witty comparison between the speaker’s appearance and platform performance popularizes him immediately. “Our bald-headed speaker is not readily insulted, and he gets to the bare facts quickly because one good thing about a bald head, is a thick skin”-is one sample. For a further suggestion:
“Our speaker lost his locks before he found the key to success. ‘Not much there’ he says of his hair, ‘but every strand has muscle’. His mother always said he’d come out on top-and he sure did!”

2. Hairy

When the speaker is blessed with heavy hair, his ample mane holds no appeal for listeners who wear theirs departed in the middle, but you might compare him with famous men who also had hair: Buffalo Bill-buckskin clad plainsman who rode the Pony Express, fought Indians, killed bison for bounty and in his later years headed a Wild West Show astride a snow white stallion-proved the attraction of unusually handsome hair. This bearded old colonel with his flowing white mane gave many a Kickapoo Squaw a kick-and even made queens feel queer. A generation later Valentino became the slick-haired hero of the cinema. In a Sheik of Araby scene, he swept a Lady Fair onto his fiery steed and fled into the desert. A jaded fan in a front row seat clasped her hands over her ample bosom and sighed, “Gee, I wish it was me!”

Play Up Prosperity

Prosperity is a pleasant subject unless it comes up at a time when our own state of affairs is tough. Very few of us can stand prosperity when it’s another man’s. In no period of history have so many people progressed from pick handle to putter in one generation. Our country grows more and more prosperous as our money buys less and less.  Only we Americans have mastered the art of being prosperous-though broke. Ours is the only country where, if a man can afford a Ford, he buys a Cadillac instead.

When families pay installments on more things than they can afford, we call that prosperity. Those who weathered the whoopee days when everything went way-up-shake their heads and predict that our prosperity is heading for misfortune, while their offspring shake their heads and call the senior citizens “squares.” No matter how hard you wring your hands about senseless spending and bat out your brains about the budget, you still can’t lick prosperity. Even the fellow who has none is excited about it-now that most households have charged the big steak in the installment-bought freezer.

Getting Going

Upon arrival at the meeting place, it is important for you to contact the Program Chairman and ascertain whether local practices include a question and answer period following your talk. If they do, have a few pertinent lead-off questions prepared and adroitly planted if possible. Don’t hesitate to interpolate a fitting incident, but otherwise don’t deviate from your manuscript or outlines to avoid running overtime. And it’s wise to confine your cocktails to water! Maybe martinis whet the wit of a veteran-but they can sure mix the metaphors of an inexperienced man.

It is vital for the speaker to establish a cordial relationship with his audience as quickly as possible, and generally a joke will do this. A speaker from the grass roots can flatter big city listeners by playing himself down . . . they know he’s lying but they love it.

Here’s a line a New York audience accepted: bumpkin, Hawg Jowl Junction, and all.

The speaker told them he came to New York to see the tall hen houses, and he wandered into an automat. He kept feeding nickels into the coin slots and while he didn’t win anything, he gained twenty pounds. Watching his first revolving door, he noticed that a man went in and a second later a woman came out. He shook his head and thought that was a real good trick-but how did that fella change his clothes so fast? At the Empire State Building he was fascinated by the elevators; he watched a little old lady step into one, and the doors closed. A minute later they opened again and a beautiful young girl came out. Bug-eyed, he turned to a passerby and said, “If I’d a knowed this, I’d a brung my old lady along.”

When the waiters have rattled off with the last coffee cup, the amenities of an introduction are over, and your joke has been told, oftentimes the audience registers the feeling of being “resigned to boredom.” This is a mood that will increase unless the speaker tears them away from their ennui with a startling or provocative statement; a subtle insult; an exceptionally interesting but little known fact; a pleasing but pat anecdote or a quick, vivid panorama of his topic.

“Wars are worth while” is an eye opener! It also is a natural argument starter. The speaker, after his audience sits up and takes notice, may expand that remark by continuing that adversity introduces a man to himself and while in itself adversity is a handicap, it’s also an excellent humanizer. Through adversity people become keenly aware that they are not wholly self-sufficient-they need help. That need makes them neighborly; a fact evidenced each winter when snowstorms are unusually heavy. There is then a noticeable undertone of satisfaction among people; they seem to secretly enjoy the discomforts that bring them close together and emphasize the value of cooperation.

That is why war-with all its tragedy and horror-fills a peculiar psychological need that peace never has been able to satisfy.

It’s human nature to “put stilts on” when you take pen in hand and thus to write artificially. For this reason it’s wise, after you’ve written your speech out, to translate it into a simple conversational style. Something that starts out, “It is contended by a considerable number of persons” looks real good on paper but it would certainly sound silly in front of an audience. How much more natural to stand up and say, “Now a great many people will tell you

Review your work in that vein. Seek to make it conversational; make it sound natural, just the way you’d talk. Then you’ll be more comfortable and your audience will be more appreciative. This doesn’t mean that all big words and unusual expressions should be eliminated. Just remember not to refer to “extinguishing the blaze” when you mean “putting out the fire,” because that’s affected and it sounds assinine. But if your vocabulary naturally includes unusual words as a matter of course, use them lest you create an impression of “talking down” to your audience. Unusual words when properly and naturally used lend color and charm. It’s wise to keep them soft and sweet because you never know when you may have to eat them!

Tread Lightly on Vices

If it becomes necessary to point up uncomplimentary characteristics, don’t be blunt . . . better results come by way of subtle suggestion. To boldly blurt out that Walter West is an affected ass could create a bad reaction. Rather tell about his affection for himself being a long love story that began when he proposed to the girl who tolerated him more than the other girls did, yet she turned him down cold. As Walt told it later, his sympathy wasn’t for himself, he was only sorry for Sally because she’d passed up such a good thing!

A little “big shot” may be harpooned effectively by explaining that he is a self-made man and well pleased with his maker. Lots of people would shift the blame to someone else. It is generally agreed that he should have called for outside help, for surely there’s more skilled labor most anywhere!

Englishmen have made a name for themselves as masters of this art; the word “bastard” is taboo to their gentry-so they refer to a man with a bad case of ancestors by saying, “His father was a merry old bachelor!” Illiteracy is well illustrated by telling a yarn about the time a boy came home from school with a note from the teacher, saying: “Junior shows signs of astigmatism; please investigate and correct it.” Next morning Junior handed the teacher his Dad’s reply: “I don’t rightly know what Junior’s done, but I walloped him good tonight and you can wallop him good tomorrow. That might help some!”

Another subtle suggestion came to light when a politician sought to expose his opponent as a nonentity. He referred to a theory of evolution by transmigration of the soul. “Followers of that cult,” he claimed, “believe that a child at birth assumes the character of someone who departed this life at that exact moment. Thus, they account for knaves of noble birth and noble people who had paupers for parents. But, careful investigation and observation disclosed that when my opponent was born-nobody died!”

The most popular delivery method is the one which requires the speaker to prepare only the outline and to memorize the ideas. It is popularly dubbed the extemporaneous method. It is popular because it makes you think on your feet and speak with a lively sense of communication. It lets you adapt to any advisable change as for example cutting your talk should the program run behind schedule.

You may or may not keep notes, but don’t lose eye-contact with your audience while you fumble among your papers. When, however, you are thoroughly familiar with your main points and your supporting material, you have little need for notes.

Concerning Speech Writing

A good speech, like a good book, should leave people wishing there was just a little more. Some speakers feel that unless a speech is long and involved, the audience will feel they haven’t received full value-yet few speakers have ever gotten in bad for brevity. A good speech writer must remember that the head can absorb no more than the seat can endure, for a listener made numb at one end grows dumb on the other.

The story of the beginning of the world was told in 400 words. The Ten Commandments used but 297; and Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address but 256. The speech you write and deliver should be your own; the guest who wore a gown that duplicated Jacqueline Kennedy’s felt no greater chagrin than the fellow following a speaker who delivered the very same “stock” speech that he meant to use.

Ghost-written speeches leading to embarrassing moments were brought home to a mayor who began to read a speech which he said included one of his favorite stories. It developed that he’d never even heard the story before, and he laughed so hard that his glasses fell off, broke, and he couldn’t read the rest of it!