Physical Features - Smiles, Age, Figure and Feminine forms

7. Smiles
A smile is of great face value: it may be but a small shy twitch that leaves just a trace on the face, or a TV grimace resembling nothing so much as a mule munching cactus.
A few smiles, so easy on the draw, we long remember. Eisenhower’s spontaneous expression, for instance! In sharp contrast are the mouth-curving quirks practiced by public prosecutors and elderly barristers. They’re the smiles that have nothing behind them but teeth . . . not too merry, not too dour . .. like that strained look on age-conscious women who’ve been warned that a smile could drop that last facelift.

8. Age
In a prior paragraph we said that dates and figures (statistical-not physical), are a bore. A person’s birth date doesn’t bring out the aura of age; the significance of his longevity is better brought out by reference to some significant event near the time when he first put in his appearance. If it happened to be in 1871-the year of the Chicago Fire -a period when many people dined on buffalo. Suppose your speaker is building a highway; perhaps he was born back when the biggest earth moving tasks were cuts and fills for railroad tracks, and the acme of the trade’s automation was a slip scoop and a one man mule. An individual gathers importance too, through distinction at an early age in his chosen field. For instance: At 33 (when most junior journalists are struggling with the practicalities of reporting that aren’t taught in textbooks) our speaker became managing editor of an important metropolitan paper.

9. Figure
Our guest cuts quite a figure: he was built when meat was cheap and his food all went to waist. Much of his figure precedes him, more of it follows. The other day he put a penny in a public scale and the card popped out and said: “You must be nine feet tall!” Our friend stopped trying to reduce after the President of the Fat-at-40 Club dropped dead with his skates on.

10. Feminine forms
It’s a pleasant assignment to turn attention to feminine features, but the ladies (bless them) are infrequent AFTER-dinner speakers; they never can wait that long! The number of women in the business world, in professional circles, and political fields, is on the increase and may affect the shape of things to come but, presently, comment concerning the feminine guest’s figure would reflect bad manners unless she is an actress or performer and her stack is her stock. Men deal differently with women than with other men and this difference appears as well when they introduce a lady to an audience. Ever since Eve got Adam involved in that apple eating act and they were put out of Eden, women have cast some sort of spell over men. Chivalry protects the female of the species with many taboos. You may refer freely to her accomplishments, but don’t get personal; she may be called beautiful or attractive, but don’t go into details unless she’s a stage or screen personality.

The shapeliness of an actress who helped Bob Hope give our boys in Greenland a treat, was described this way:
“The boys kept concentrating on Miss Shapely although she was wearing three sweaters and two pairs of pants.
“You see, she doesn’t believe in frozen assets and on her the end justified the jeans.”
When on another day Miss Shapely went fishing, she hooked one but he finally broke loose and swam away like crazy to join his fellow fish. “Wow,” he gasped, “you should have seen the one I got away from!”

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