Yards of yarns and Father goose tales

Yards of Yarns

Everyone enjoys a good yarn-especially when he tells it. But be careful not to over-do. It’s all right to tell a girl that she has pretty ankles-but don’t compliment her too highly. Sometimes it strains the facts but helps the story to add a little stretcher. Our late Veep Alben Barkley was a master of mild tales; he had gags for ordinary guys, and epigrams (Ph.D. gags) for boys in the salon set.

One of his favorites was about the farmer who came into a country store with his four children. They were dressed in new clothes obviously purchased elsewhere; so, “How come” the storekeeper wanted to know, “you shop at another store when I’ve been carrying you on the books for so many years?” The surprised farmer was almost speechless when he told him, “Honest, Zeke, I didn’t know you sold for cash.”

Another farmer had a frau who decided to dye her curtains blue. A little lamb gamboling by fell into the vat. She fished him out and he scurried away. A passing motorist spotted the little blue BaaBaa and offered the farmwife a fancy price for what he thought was a new species. The wife decided that she had a good thing going, so next day she dyed another little lamb and it too sold for a ridiculous figure. From this beginning she developed quite a business of buying, dying and selling lambs. In fact she turned out to be the biggest lamb dyer in Kentucky.

Father Goose Tales

A few changes in the old nursery rhymes (according to Sunny Pete Smythe, Mayor of East Tincup, Colorado) seem intended to keep the kindergarten class up to date on current events:

Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater.
Had a wife but couldn’t keep her.
Peter glumly shook his head,
“This damned inflation!” Peter said.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, Why won’t your garden grow? “I’ve put it all in the Soil Bank, sir, and live on government dough!”

Mel Allen tells about the poor little girl who invented a mosquito repellent and made a million dollars over night. She wound up marrying a prince. It’s a real Citronella story.

Red Skelton twists the “little Piggy” routine:
1. This big piggy went to the L.A. County Fair and won a red ribbon. He’d have won the blue ribbon-but he slipped
and sprained his tail.
2. This proud porker was auctioned at Fort Worth to one of the largest packers in the country, and will be na
tionally advertised.
3. This bacon protege liked his dirty old mudhole better than the air-conditioned barn so he was sent to a big pig psychiatrist. When he didn’t show any improvement, the farmer sold him for pork and beans.

A grandmother was telling the story of the princess and the frog;
“When the little frog rescued her golden ball from the well, the princess was so grateful she let him spend the night in her room. The next morning when she woke up, he’d turned into a handsome prince so they were married and lived happily ever after.” The grandchild looked skeptical as she said: “I don’t believe that story; and I’ll bet her mother didn’t believe it either.”

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